My new job starts on Monday. It’s shiny, new 2005 and as I sit and drink the last few sips of my proverbial pint, I begin to reflect upon my month-long holiday. Well, so much for Dostoevsky, museums and galleries. So much for PlayStation, reading, relaxing, going for walks and almost everything else I planned. Looking back through the days and nights which have weaved themselves into a seamless, colourful fabric - all I can really remember is… women.
There are lots of women in London. Lots of single women. Yes, the kind of women we love: sexy, smart, sassy girls from all over the world. Male or female, if you’re single then ye will be led to temptation. This is dating in London and it is a dazzling, challenging and racy place.
There are many doors in to the dating arena. Some doors open up to night clubs and drug fueled connections. Ecstasy and cocaine feed this side of life. Dark stairways, coat cues, dance floors and toilets set the stage in this sordid little soap opera - or ‘dope’ opera if you’ll forgive a poor play on words.
Bonds of infinite, unfathomably deep love are formed in an instant but disappear just as quickly when captain come-down comes a knockin. Let’s just say its not the best place to form a meaningful relationship.
Other doors open onto booze-filled pubs and drunken meat markets. Packs of men and packs of women converge under the cigarette-stained ceilings of pubs and bars and binge drink themselves into slurring, obscenely confident dating specimens.
Somehow that divide between men and women once enforced in pubs has seemed to have stuck. In these places, men are still afraid of women, and visa versa.
Contrast that to Latin bars where this barrier does not exist and you’ve got a utopia where its just fine to go up to a gorgeous girl and dance with her. The only problem is you have to know how to salsa. So, you see, some doors swing open and others slam shut in your face.
You’ve also got your internet dating doors. Cyber doors in cyber space. It’s all very socially acceptable now and everyone is doing it. Pictures and profiles allow daters to sift through the silt and sand and find the gold in ‘them thar hills’. Not everyone is into the hassle of dating to get some action and thanks to the internet you can travel further down the river into the heart of darkness and end up in a frightening, but intriguing jungle.
The super highway can lead to super sex. Dogging is one little gem that’s popular these days. It involves meeting someone, or some ones, and having sex with them in a public place while others watch. As for the rest, well, no matter how twisted your sexual preference is - you will probably find something to top it. Then there is the other stuff which is more palatable and used in commercials like wife swapping or swinging.
Take your pick… then go for it
As a dater you can choose one or more of these doors and fingers crossed, cupids bow strung, you may meet the one, or just get lucky.
Once you’ve taken that first step and now you’re into phase two: actual real-life dating. And that’s when it gets messy - because there are people involved. And as is with everything, some are good and some are bad.
Here are a few dating types to look out for…
The man eater
She’s confident, attractive, fun and sexy, but very dangerous. She knows how to manipulate men and get what she wants. She is good at her job, intelligent, chaotic, intriguing and smokes a bong every night. She is the dark horse, or dark Philly, which doesn’t really work that well.
Many men have fallen prey to her traps but you are different. You know what is going on and are completely in control of the situation. That is, until you get eaten.
Men are essentially stupid when it comes to women and that is the way it will be until the end of time.
The double date
She is a bit older, more mature and rather sophisticated. She may even be French. But, sadly there is an ex-boyfriend who wasn’t ex so long ago. The wounds are deep and the shoes to fill impossibly large. It’s kind of like dating two people; her and the ever present memory of Jean Claude.
This is a tough one: sit out the storm and hope the seas subside or run away from the ghost of Christmas past. My advice: run.
The high society girl
She is gorgeous, dresses very well and could very well be Irish. The big problem here is that she is gorgeous and very much involved in style and the superficial world.
Being cool is high on the list of priorities and as is with cool people they surround themselves with the cream of the London crop. Or as my underachiever circle of friends call them, “the wankers”.
In this situation you have to dazzle, surprise, excite and entertain — which, for someone who likes to sit and watch TV can be very tiring.
These are just some of the characters you encounter and — I’m ever on the back foot thanks to living with two sisters — they apply to both genders. It’s a mad world out there and looking for love can lead you into some curious places.
The human species has evolved marvelously over the millennia but when you break the dating scene down to its core components you’re left with a bizarre, 21st century mating dance. Of these doors, and which ones I’ve stepped through, well, I’d like to keep a little discretion. I may take salsa lessons though.
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