DIY shopping on a Saturday morning is, in a word, f*cking awful. Trying to find stuff in Homebase or B&Q - with the combined customer service efficiency and helpfulness of a surly, teenage goth who is dead - is an infuriatingly challenging process. Hunting and capturing a unicorn and teaching it to play Bach is a significantly easier task than getting any help from B&Q staff. 

And needing to ‘go toilet’ exacerbates the whole fraught experience. 

This was the predicament I found myself in and reaching the ‘yellow’ zone I asked a Homebase store assistant where the customer toilets were. After sneering at me she explained that they didn’t exist. I looked at my pregnant wife standing next to me, shook my head and said, “you are refusing a pregnant woman who is desperate to use the toilet!?!”. 

My wife looked surprised.

The clerk looked startled but stood firm.

I shook my head and summoned righteous indignation. 

After much tutting I eventually explained our plight to someone a bit more senior. Moments later the manager came down and personally escorted my wife to the toilet.

I waited by the paint section.